The Wake Up Knock: Why It’s Not OK to Postpone Fulfilling Your PurposeFor the past 6 months something strange has happened to me in the middle of the night. For roughly 4 nights out of each week, I am awakened between the hours of 3 a.m and 5 a.m. Most nights I wake at different times, although some nights I have seen the same time over and over. I ask myself “What in the world am I supposed to be doing this late?” I force myself back to sleep every time because I do not want to be awake. During the day, I feel like something is missing. I drag through each day trying to figure out ways to stay awake and fill what I am missing. Some nights I wake up startled as if I heard a big boom or if someone broke into my home. My heart pounds in fear. I’m afraid to go back to sleep so I grab my teddy bear and my bible and hug them both close to my heart until I fell asleep. Some nights I wake up naturally as if it were 8am on Saturday morning. Just rise and shine ready to start my day, at 4:04am. Yes, I force myself back to sleep. Sometimes it takes me two hours just to fall back to sleep and I just toss and turn. In May 2013, I found this journal for insomnia. The cover reads: ‘I CAN’T SLEEP: A journal for passing the time when insomnia strikes and my brain is circling in on itself, cannibalizing the trivialities of the day and exaggerating the ticking of the clock, reminding me that every minute spent awake is another minute closer to when I’ll have to get up, though many of the great artists and sages were insomniac’s and that’s part of how they got so much done, so if I can’t sleep I might as well write and channel my misery into something productive.’

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